How to stop fussing...

You come home from work, it’s been a long day, you needed to stop at the store but really you’re too tired and just want to get home and rest for a bit before dinner. You walk in and see cups all over the counter, trash can overflowing, and your beloved child(ren) are click clacking away on that game controller or lounging around scrolling on their phone somewhere. You think, “all I asked them to do was….” and BOOM, it starts, the fussin. This may last a minute, this may go on for 15-20 minutes. Some might fuss for 30 minutes, call a friend and tell them about it, then fuss some more later that night. It can be exhausting! When it’s all said and done what usually happens? Either they do it, you do it, or nothing gets done.

Stop and think: The first step is to realize that you don’t have to fuss. I know, you just get frustrated because you’ve told your child(ren) a thousand times to do the thing and yet it is still not done! I hear you. Let’s define “fussing” when I looked it up, the definition I found was “to show unnecessary or excessive concern about something”. This may look like you yelling for several minutes, it could look like you talking about the thing that was not done and venting your frustrations. Some people do this to motivate their children into action or to emphasize how important something is, “they don’t move until I yell”. I challenge you to ask yourself if that is really true. Do kids need to know that you’re angry to complete a task? The thing is “fussing” just makes everybody upset, you’ve gotten yourself all worked up, and your child has likely started to tune you out. Sometimes, this venting and yelling can go too far and parents sometimes say things without thinking and it could be hurtful to their child. Imagine having your self-esteem hurt, over dishes. I hear kids all the time internalize some serious guilt, and messages like “I can’t do anything right” because in their mind they get yelled at for everything. So, let’s just skip it. Skip to the part where either the task gets done, or a consequence is given.

Set realistic expectations: Yes, we think kids know our expectations and maybe they do but it doesn’t hurt to be sure. Also, children are growing, their brains are still forming so it’s good to revisit certain conversations to meet them where they are at the time. This is a time to ask yourself if they can even do the task, is it age appropriate? For example, 5 year old can pick up their toys, but washing dishes is asking too much. Set aside time to break down what your expectations are at a time when everyone is calm, and not in the middle of another task. What needs to be done? When does it need to be done by? How should it be done? Who is responsible for the task? This is especially important if you have siblings sharing space. For example: Their room should be cleaned. It should be clean before they go to bed at night. A clean room means toys are back in their place, clothes in the closet, etc. Get into the details. Go in the room and show them, help them. This is a time to learn. Being able to clean and organize is a life skill, it’s something to be taught and practiced. Show them. Who will clean what in the room? This is especially important if you have siblings sharing space.

Check yourself: The house is not going to be spotless all the time. Consider how many children you have, how much time they spend at home and what other activities are going on. Kids will forget things, they aren’t trying to upset you, they are just in their own little world. Try not to take it personal. Setting expectations ahead of time, allows your child to have all the information they need to make the best decision. Once you have done your part, you are there to give a reminder, support if they need it, and issue a consequence when necessary. By setting expectations you are giving your child a choice to complete the task on their own or accept the consequence.

Consequences: There is a difference between a consequence, and a punishment. Punishment is usually an action to guilt, shame, or make someone “feel bad” for what they have done so they change their behavior. Punishments tend to be disproportionate to the wrongful act, and come from a place of control. Consequences can be natural or imposed. A natural consequence can be, if you touch a hot stove, you will burn your hand. If you do not complete schoolwork, you will fail the assignment. Imposed consequences are ones set by another person, if you do not turn in your schoolwork, I will take your phone until it is turned in. In this case imposed consequences are a way to teach and allow your child to take accountability and learn from their own decisions. Consequences should be consistent, and reasonable for the rule broken. “No TV forever!” this is not reasonable, and you are likely not going to follow through, being unreasonable undermines you. Be sure the consequences are ones you can actually follow through with and note that sometimes it may be an inconvenience for you to hold them accountable. If your child is old enough, allow them to join in on setting the consequences, this creates a space for them to feel a part of the decision making. Discuss consequences at a time when everyone is calm and able to understand.

Please do not spend time feeling guilty if you notice yourself fussing and it’s something you want to stop. The most important thing is to show up, and keep trying. They already love you.